The pissy teenager is here...

Life with DID

I know she is here by the sheer weight of energy on my soul.

I made her a deal. I promised her that if she showed up more that I would learn to listen to her. I promised her that if she spoke, I would lean hard into giving her a voice. I even said that I’d publish her; non-censored, naked and . We made a deal I think that we cannot care any longer about whether she fits in or not. Whether or not, society ever created a space for her unique tender energy. Although she has looked for guidance her entire life, little has been provided. Most often she floated in the ethers surrounding life without knowing how to manifest herself or create a self that anyone would want to know.

Her manifestation today is the pissy teenager full of despair and dirt. She’s been left to handle the physical body of the abused child. Her hair is greasy and tangled from neglect. Her beautiful body has scars in places that the men ripped her. They ache and burn as her body changes and grows. She’s part of me yet I don’t know her well. I feel her as she weighs down my eyes, making them difficult to have vision. She will only allow glimpses so far. Don’t get too close too fast, she hisses.

She was raised to be a whore, then despised because she was one. She laughs obnoxiously at the other kids who think they know her. Aren’t you a cheerleader? Aren’t you one of the popular girls who have an easy life handed to her? Hell no. Nothing even close. She’s been sliced and gagged and tortured and raped. Does that sound like an easy life?

Her friends roll their eyes at their parents who start talking of college. They have conversations around the next chapter of life and she finds the stories hypnotic. They lure her into a false sense of concern that her folks must have for her. She’ll approach them about school and surely, they’ll want the same opportunities for her. She is wrong. Her father sneered, saying that he’ll be damned if he’d pay for college. Just go to the county seat and get a secretarial job and hope to hell you can find someone to marry you. He discarded me as fast as he did when he used to come all over me.